why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
