it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish my penis had a tongue
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize