True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
