Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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