Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
