Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
