i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
