i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
