She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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