Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
