This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
