He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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