the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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