saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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