i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
