if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
