I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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