Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
