So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
