He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
