i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We got so high we made milksteak
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
