God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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