I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
