I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize