your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
