If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
