Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
