I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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