It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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