Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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