In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
