If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
