someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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