Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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