Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Too much gin, very little bucket
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
