i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
