Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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