I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
there was a trapeze. enough said
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize