3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
