I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
