He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize