I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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