Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
