She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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