i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
