it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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