I just pynch a tree in the face
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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