Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize