She is in my trunk
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
