I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
