I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
