I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
