I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I forget how to act sober
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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