I cockslap morals
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
