I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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