just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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