I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Houston, we have a blender
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
