I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
