i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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