if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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